6 ways to let go of perfectionism

A big meeting is coming up at work, and you’re picked to lead it. So you create a thorough slide deck. You spend hours researching, writing the text and formatting it. Then review it over and over again to catch any errors. Still, it’s not exactly the way you imagined it. And you have this icky feeling you missed something before handing it off for review.

You might think that approach is just you doing your best. But those habits may add up to a mindset that does more harm than good: perfectionism.

The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.”¹

Whether it comes up in professional or personal settings, perfectionism can harm our well-being. For one, it can be a way to avoid feelings of failure or disappointment.² It often leads to self-criticism and negative emotions. And it can cause stress, anxiety, or depression.^1,3

Perfectionism usually takes one of three forms³:

• Self-oriented (“I must be perfect.”)
• Socially prescribed (“Others expect me to be perfect.”)
• Other-oriented (“I expect others to be perfect.”)

As mental health coaches, we work closely with people who are struggling with perfectionism. The first type is the one most in your power to change. So that’s what we’ll focus on in this piece.

First, we’ll go over how to recognize perfectionism. Then we’ll go through ways to adopt a healthier approach.

How to spot your perfectionism

Perfectionism can show up in any area of your life. That includes parenting, school, work or hobbies. To spot it, you’ll want to look for faulty patterns in your thinking or behavior. Think about situations where you tend to think in extremes. Or times when you tend to put a lot of pressure on yourself for things to go a very specific way.

Here are a few that might sound familiar:

• You don’t try things if you don’t think you’ll succeed.
• You procrastinate on things that you feel you aren’t 100% good at doing.
• You plan excessively or overthink all possible scenarios to try to avoid any mistakes.
• You feel fear, shame, and guilt because of your own outsized expectations.
• You think that your child’s birthday party should look exactly like one you saw on Pinterest.
• You plan out every single detail of your vacations. Then you get upset when even one small piece of that plan falls apart.
• You cannot relax even after you finish a work task that needs to be done.
• You hesitate to speak up in meetings, so you won’t look uninformed.
• You need to set aside extra days to edit and revise an assigned paper for a class.
• You’re constantly redoing finished craft projects because you feel they’re not good enough.
• You always leave your house far earlier than you need to because you can’t tolerate being late.

Is it excellence? Or perfectionism?

Maybe there’s a part of you that insists the examples above just mean you want to do things well. But there is a fine line between striving for excellence and demanding perfection. And it’s important to know when you’ve crossed it.

Here are a few guiding questions you can ask yourself:

• Are the standards I’m setting for myself causing me stress?
• Am I terrified of failure?
• Do I tend to focus only on my mistakes?
• Do I berate myself for falling short of the marks I set for myself?

If you tend to answer yes to those kinds of questions, it’s time to make some changes. Let’s explore what that might look like in various parts of your life.

Parenting

Perfectionism: You scold yourself for not being the ideal parent. When you mess up, you feel guilty and spiral into unhelpful thought patterns. You tell yourself things like “I’m a bad mom/dad.”

Excellence: You reflect on the situation. Show yourself grace when you make mistakes. Recognize that you’re human. Make helpful changes to behave differently in the future.

Work

Perfectionism: You review projects excessively before submitting them. You overthink the tiniest details. Then beat yourself up if a colleague gives you any constructive feedback, no matter how gently they deliver it.

Excellence: You’re authentic in your work. You understand that your work needs to be adequate, not perfect. You are open to feedback instead of getting deflated by it.

School

Perfectionism: You get frustrated with yourself when you earn any grade below an A. You try to commit every single fact that might show up on the exam to memory. You may also procrastinate on assignments because you worry they won’t be flawless.

Excellence: You know when you’ve done your best. You’re proud of the effort you put into preparing, no matter the outcome.

Hobbies

Perfectionism: You hesitate to explore new interests if you think that they’ll be too challenging. If it’s a social hobby, like joining a sports team or crafting club, you worry your peers will judge your skill level. You’re impatient if you can’t master the needed skills right away, and you may abandon the effort.

Excellence: You think of new experiences as adventures and strive to seek them out. You remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes when they’re new at something. You focus on the benefits of participating, instead of the output. The chance to socialize and learn from others matters more to you than winning or mastering the skill.

Healing perfectionism

Perfectionism develops over decades. In fact, some experts believe that it takes root during childhood.⁴ Overcoming it takes time and dedication. But with some patience, it’s possible. Try these simple strategies to start accepting yourself, flaws and all.

• Journal: Writing can help us gain perspective. Use the AbleTo Freewrite Journal to jot down thoughts on your experiences. Celebrate your small wins. List the talents you used to get those small wins. Reflect on your challenges and what you might learn from them. And offer yourself grace if things were messy.
• Challenge thinking traps: Do you jump to the worst possible conclusion when things go wrong? Like assuming your boss is going to fire you for making a mistake in an email? That’s a thinking trap. Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques like reframing can help you undo this pattern.⁵ Try replacing your first thought with a more helpful one: “Yes, my manager noticed that mistake in the email. I’m glad she caught the error. Next time, I’ll review messages a little more closely before I send them.” The AbleTo 3Cs Guided Journal can help you practice this skill.
• Establish a personal mantra: When the inner self-critic starts getting loud, meet it with an affirmation or mantra. These can be a sentence or word to remind you who you are and what you’re capable of. Either way, it’s something you return to whenever you need to quiet mental chatter. Think “I am enough exactly as I am” or “I am open to new opportunities.”
• Try a new hobby: Diving into something new means starting as a beginner. So the likelihood of making mistakes is high. It’s a great time to practice accepting mistakes. If you find yourself getting frustrated and telling yourself “I can’t do this,” reframe that thought by adding “yet” to the end of that sentence. Progress matters more than progress. And enjoying the hobby matters most of all.
• Take a social-media break: People tend to post curated highlight reels or carefully edited photos. It’s not fair to compare your messiest moments to the best days of someone else’s life. Take some time to unfollow accounts that give you a pit in your stomach. Or even delete the apps from your phone. You might even take a digital break. (The AbleTo app has tips on spending less time on your phone.) Notice how you feel when you’ve had that mental space.
• Tap into self-compassion: Research has shown that showing yourself kindness can help reduce perfectionism and the mental health issues that can go along with it. It may even make your efforts to redirect your thoughts more effective.⁵ One classic self-compassion technique is talking to yourself as you would a loved one or a dear friend. You might also try writing a letter to yourself or listening to a guided meditation on the topic. The Let Go of Judgment meditation in the AbleTo app is a good place to start.

Progress over perfection

If none of these tips speak to you, that’s okay. Try to simply notice moments of perfectionism as they come up. See how you can offer yourself kindness instead of criticism.

Remember: breaking patterns that have built up over decades is no easy task. Try different strategies. And don’t give up if change is slow. It’s worth the effort. Because the less energy you put toward trying to be flawless, the more you’ll have to put toward finding joy and peace in your life.

Ask a friend or family member to serve as a gut check. Or explore working with an AbleTo coach or therapist. With support and practice, you can start to chip away at that perfectionist mindset bit by bit.