Embracing Your True Self: How to Navigate the Coming-Out Process

How we see ourselves and how others see us don’t always line up. That can feel jarring. And it can affect our well-being, especially when our identity isn’t what society considers mainstream.

Maybe you suspect that your sexual orientation falls outside what’s considered the heterosexual norm, where a person is only attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Or maybe your gender identity isn’t the one you were assigned at birth.

Exploring this spectrum and sharing your truth happens via the process of “coming out.” At first, the phrase was applied to young women who were ready to enter society and marry. Later, gay men started using the term to describe entering the homosexual community.¹

“Coming out is really just sharing an aspect of your sexual or gender identity,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Brian Rood, PhD, MPH. (He also serves as Vice President, Health Optimization for UnitedHealth Group.) “Hopefully, it’s also having people understand and respect who you are.”

The process is different for every person. And there isn’t one right way to do it. Below, we’ll cover some common questions, concerns, and emotions. But that said, you may work through things in your own way. That’s okay. You can find support for how you’re feeling.

What coming out can mean

Sexual orientation or gender identity can exist on a spectrum. The parts of that spectrum are often shortened to LGBTQIA2S+. That stands for the following groups:

• Lesbian: Women attracted to women
• Gay: Men attracted to men
• Bisexual: Someone who is attracted to their own gender and other genders
• Transgender: Someone who doesn’t identify with the sex they were assigned at birth
• Queer/Questioning: A broad term for people to describe their gender or sexual orientation or who are exploring it
• Intersex: Someone who doesn’t fit into the traditional medical or social definitions of male or female based on their chromosomal, hormonal, or anatomical sex characteristics
• Asexual: Someone who feels no or varying degrees of sexual attraction toward others
• Two-spirit: An Indigenous person who embodies multiple genders or sexual orientations
• Plus: A broad term to catch nuances within the spectrum of sexual orientation and gender

There’s no one way to come out

Coming out is deeply personal. How the journey unfolds is different for everyone. But there are a few common milestones.

Reflection

In most cases, coming out starts with some soul-searching. “People start to realize that they might be a bit different,” says Rood. “There’s a lot of thinking about it. And trying to understand one’s feelings.” Someone might consider who they’ve been attracted to, if anyone. Or ask themselves if their body aligns with who they feel they are.

Exploration

The next step is often wanting to explore aspects of their identity outwardly, says Rood. “The kids I work with who might be trans or gender expansive may ask themselves if there are ways to play with aspects of their gender that will help them understand. It could be something very basic. They might dress a little differently. Or wear nail polish. Or change their hair in some way.” They might ask questions like, Does this feel right to me? Is this really who I am?” Eventually, someone may choose to change their name, pronouns, or gender markers. It might be informal at first. But then they might change official documents, like their driver’s license.

Seeking

Someone might also seek out other people who identify as queer or trans. “Finding someone who you can trust to talk about your identity — that’s kind of a universal milestone,” says Rood. “Thankfully, that’s easier than ever. There are more online communities and social media channels.” Also, Rood points out, public stigma has decreased in many places. This means there are more out queer and trans people than there used to be.

Sharing

As someone becomes more comfortable, they may want to share their identity with the people closest to them. Some people may choose to do this early on. Some people may delay it quite a bit. Some people may be out in some areas of their lives but not others. For example, they may open up to friends and family, but not work colleagues. It depends on what feels safe for you. And you can take your time deciding what feels right.

How coming out impacts well-being

The emotions around coming out are tricky. How you feel can be shaped by how your culture or religion perceives members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community. You may feel joy and relief. Or you might have feelings of fear or anxiety, even if you’re fairly sure people will react well.

“When you come out to family, it can feel scary,” says Rood, drawing on his own experience and those of patients he’s worked with. “Even if you believe they’ll be accepting, these are people who have a set idea of who you are. They’ve pictured the kind of life that you’re going to live. Maybe the relationships that you’ll have. So it might not even be a fear of rejection. It might be that you’re changing a really big aspect of how they see you.”

Hiding one’s identity can have a negative impact on a person’s emotional well-being. One theory to explain why is called the minority stress model.² Queer and trans people are the minority in society. So they often feel a need to hide their identities to protect themselves.

“There’s something about that experience that is very stressful,” explains Rood. “It’s associated with sadness, hopelessness, and fear. Concealing one’s identity can be very functional. It protects people against discrimination, negative social experiences, and potentially violence. But we do see increased rates of depression, anxiety, suicidality, and substance use among queer and trans populations compared to their heterosexual and cisgender peers. The minority stress model helps explain those differences.”

Rood also points out that in order to benefit someone’s well-being, coming out has to happen in a safe, supportive environment. “Some people conceal their identity to ensure their basic needs are met, especially if they’re kids,” he says. “That’s why it’s such a problem when people are outed against their will. It can put them at risk of experiencing potential stressors that can significantly impact their life.”

Research backs this up.³ Coming out can offer a sense of belonging. This can lead to more support that, in turn, reduces feelings of depression and anxiety. But the flip side is also true. If someone feels discriminated against, negative feelings can take root.

Where to find support

You don’t have to work through questions about your gender or sexuality alone. You might turn to a trusted friend. A family member could also help. Or you might reach out to a LGBTQIA2S+ support or advocacy group. A few great options are The Trevor Project, PFLAG, GLAAD, or Trans Lifeline. And, of course, there are mental health professionals. Some even focus their practice on the LGBTQIA2S+ community.

At AbleTo, we believe in creating a safe space for LGBTQIA2S+ people. Many of our providers receive extra training to expand and deepen their understanding of the community. They also have access to materials co-created with clinical leaders with lived experience. And it doesn’t matter where someone is in their journey. We focus on making sure they know they can come to sessions as their full, authentic self.

AbleTo also maintains a suite of digital self-care tools and resources. It includes guided journals, including one to help you think through whom you may want to come out to. “I’ve worked with a lot of people who have done journaling or some type of writing related to their coming out experience,” says Rood. “They’ve said that it is helpful to put those ideas down. It can be a way to see yourself or a situation more objectively.”

How to support someone coming out to you

If someone you know decides to come out to you, start by thanking them for trusting you. It’s also okay to ask if they’ve shared they’re out to other people. Either way, assure them you’ll keep their confidence. You could also ask what pronouns they use.

To start, it helps to educate yourself, says Rood. That takes some of the burden off the person who is coming out. “Look up information and resources,” he adds. “Come armed with the questions, assumptions, or beliefs that you read.”

It’s okay to share your authentic reaction, says Rood. But ground yourself and the conversation in curiosity and respect. “It’s fine to ask questions. Just come from a place of genuinely wanting to understand someone’s perspective,” he says.

“If you’re confused, or you’re concerned, you can express that. Even if you disagree with them, it’s fine. You don’t have to change your beliefs. You can still treat someone with respect.”

Your truth, your terms

There’s no one way to come out or be out. It is up to each person if, how, and when they decide to come out at all. A lot of questions and emotions are sure to come up. That’s why it helps to have trusted support along the way.

Even if it feels scary, the coming out process can be a way to recognize and express your fullest self. That’s a beautiful thing.